How to Be a Vampire....

(This poem is really one of my favs right now...cuz of the snark and fun of it...)





No matter what be brooding
even if you’re usually carefree and spry;
be brooding. Be dark, mysterious, and cryptic.
Speak needlessly in painstaking riddles,
don’t speak at all. Avoid humans.
Live among them, but separate; blend
into them seamlessly
a cousin, an uncle,
a long dead mother. Expose your bloodlust.

Sue Whedon for defamation of character.
Start an evolutionary phase of mankind: Vote ‘Yes’ on Vampire Proposition 9.
Stay hidden. Scoff at the caricatures of yourself and other monsters.

Believe you are demons
believe you are cursed
or normal
or Gods.

At all costs avoid the sun! You will crisp
like a Peking duck
or instantaneously cremate
or implode
or explode
or at high moon you’ll weaken like a coward avoiding a gunfight
or it will have no effect on you at all,
and you’ll wonder how Hollywood comes up with these things
or you’ll do something ridiculous like sparkle.

Please whatever you do don’t fucking sparkle.

And drink blood
while you’re searching centuries for your mate
or before you escape the sunlight in your coffin;
while you fight hunters or slayers of werewolves
or each other. Anita Blake
or Blade of the Vampaneze.
Drink blood.
Take lives of take only what you need.
Take animals or humans, but take.
And when you’re done taking remember to brood.